Something new I found, and embarrassing.

Found a journal I wrote in when I was 13, so to embarrass myself I thought I’d post something.

1-22-99 (8th grade)

“School is same old same old. Sometimes I feel like “Matt” (A new boy that surprisnly looks like JTT!) won’t talk to me. I really like him and so does the rest of my friends. Matt willingly talks to the “preppy” girls in class and it really upsets me, I wish he would -actually- talk to me again… Like the days when he just moved here and met me. A long time ago, I felt different around him.. Uncomfortable.. And somehow “attracted” to him. I thought he was my first boy-friend. Now he won’t even say “hi” to me.

Angel says he talks to her all the time, but I rarely even believe Angel is telling the truth.”

(Okay, that’s all I’m posting for now, the thoughts of a 13 year old girl.)

Witchy Woman

Wishing there was a pause button.

Being bipolar has made me more creative, an extrovert when I have to be, but it’s also left me with uncertainty. I destroy mostly all of my relationships, some of those relationships were dying anywise. Being belittled and feeling like less of a person doesn’t sit well with me.

Treat me like a person.

Being bipolar doesn’t mean I’m batshit insane.

My main problems are going to sleep, seriously. People don’t realize if you say something negative to a bipolar person they’re going to spin it out of context.

This is something I’ve learned from. I’m writing this as I watch the first Hobbit movie. Can we ever really understand each other? Sometimes I think so.. But it takes patience. And questions. So many questions.

I can be as normal as you if you let me.

Witchy Woman

Waking up early while taking Seroquel.

This is something constantly on my mind. Is it possible to sleep normally while taking Seroquel? I take 600 milligrams and sometimes don’t wake up until the afternoon, that can’t be normal.

I know getting a job will help tire me out, but in the end if I’m battling racing thoughts it can feel pretty hopeless. Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Witchy Woman

Caffeine and being bipolar.

Hello everybody! Sorry I haven’t made any posts, I’ve been very focused on job searching and playing Diablo 3 on the ps3.

The number one thing that I struggle with is sugar and caffeine consumption. I need to go back to drinking lemon water and eating fruits, when I can afford a water filter. I don’t drink tap anymore.

What do you struggle with? Feel free to comment!

Witchy Woman

My thoughts on side-effects.

My random thoughts about medications I take, the side effects and the ones I experience. The first pill I take I’d like to discuss is Seroquel, known to cause weight gain and very rarely stop your period, it’s the staple anti-psychotic for people with bipolar disorder.

I take 600 milligrams a night to help me sleep, it also serves as an anti-depressant. The next pill is Lithium, most people who are bipolar take this as it is a mood stabilizer. I take 750 milligrams every day. Some of the side-effects are increased thirst, hunger, weight gain and hair loss. I have all of those, but the pro’s of taking it outweigh the cons.

The next optional pill is Hydroxyzine, I occasionally take 1-2 a day to help with my anxiety. I also have Generalized Anxiety Disorder so it can happen at anytime. The pill is supposed to make you drowsy but it doesn’t work like that for me. I take 25 milligrams.

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I thought I’d post this chart as a reference for manic and depressive episodes.

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I’m supposed to be getting another blood test, not sure about getting my meds adjusted, I’m not really experiencing any major lows. For those of you reading this, have you had any major reactions to these pills? Feel free to comment with your experiences!

Witchy Woman

Feeling like a gigantic screw-up.

Just having a bad day I suppose. Its extremely hard to battle these inner demons at times..

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The urge to drink alcohol is high.. But I’ll stick with Mountain Dew. I can’t open the wine bottle anyways because the cork screw for stuck. The irony of life. Usually when I feel like this I isolate myself completely, no harm no foul right?

Witchy Woman

Can anybody hear me?

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“Why are you crying?”

“I just don’t understand you.”

“Taking medications makes you weak.”

These are all things I’ve been told. Some by friends, some by loved ones. I always thought I was just super sensitive, how I felt was just stronger then other people’s feelings. I would hold grudges, and everything was extreme for me.

Stress was and is a constant reminder that I cannot handle very well, but thanks to therapy and medications I am better at handling this trigger.

“What if you can’t hold down a job? You aren’t going for disability anymore.”

This is correct. I’m no longer going to do disability, because I got the clear from my doctor to try working, and because my disability attorney doesn’t think self-medicating with alcohol would get me a win.

Even though my psychiatrist made several notes on my file that unmedicated bipolar people will self-medicate just to try to numb how they feel. It no longer is about how I will hold down a job, and it becomes how does a normal person handle stress at work.

How do you handle stress?

I have my anxiety pills (Hydroxyzine) on me at all times. Even though I feel stable I have to understand that I am not normal. I have to understand that I need something extra to feel like I can function. The anxiety pills make me feel safe. And I know deep breathing techniques help.

“But Lauren, what if someone upsets you, or is rude to you?”

Good question. I can honestly say that I handle angry people better then I did before. Before I would cry, and need awhile to calm down. Some other times I would try to bite my tongue, but at some point I’ll have a hard time not saying something that’s passive-aggressive.

I of course still feel anxiety doing normal things, but I feel like I cannot reach out for help. I can’t assume that people understand bipolar disorder, Heck. There are some people that don’t even believe mental illness exists.

While that makes me roll my eyes and scoff, I know its not necessarily their fault. Mental illness is something we should all know something about. Another sad fact is.. Suicide is ranked the highest in bipolar disorder.

Scary. Is it because we are misunderstood? Is it because our medications just numb us? Remember folks, there’s no cure. Even though it’s just a chemical imbalance for me, I’ll always be like this. I’ve accepted it, and understand it’s just who I am.

I’ve had to have multiple dosage increases or decreases. Some of that was environment based. Many bipolar people feel like they can’t reach out, for fear of judgement. I understand that. You can’t tell your employer for fear of discrimination.

“Bipolar? So you just feel things strongly. That’s not a disability.”

Wrong. It is in the blue book of disabilities. But sometimes with the right medications and the right environment a bipolar person can work. Just remember, some of us truly can’t work. That’s nothing to be ashamed of! If you do decide to work, just focus on the job, keep a good handle on your triggers.

We’re not perfect, not even the normal people are perfect. Remember that!

-WW

Random thought.

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I have no idea how to add audio files or video files, I wanted to say my random thought before I forget it. Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City brags all the time about spending 300 dollars on shoes.

For me that sounds like she’s having several manic episodes haha, Carrie.. You’ve got to be bipolar! But then I can justify spending hundreds of dollars on electronics.

To each their own!

-WW